


A Last Goodbye

by rant_girl



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Athena Grant is Evan "Buck" Buckley's Mom, Confrontations, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecurity, M/M, POV Alternating, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Pre-Relationship, Season/Series 03, Suicidal Thoughts, eventual getting together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:08:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29989539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rant_girl/pseuds/rant_girl
Summary: Buck was able to keep himself from sighing this time, the frustration coursing through him, bursting through the surface, even as his chest tightened, “What do I have to do to prove to you how sorry I am?”Eddie let out a dry hollow twisted huff of laugh, “When are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours that there isnothingyou can do? Huh? You betrayed us. You betrayedme. What makes you think I should forgive you? Hmm? Why is it that you can’t just accept it, let it go and move on?”OrPost-lawsuit - Buck's been back at work for a week, but he may as well not be with how invisible he feels. What happens when he gets pushed too far?
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & May Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 8
Kudos: 136





	A Last Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know, this a little bit possessed my soul, and I was definitely crying whilst writing certain parts of it. So uh yes, there will be more of this, just, you know. This is my take on what if everyone were dicks for just a little bit longer, heh. So here is the first part. Dear lord, am I nervous right now *hides under blankets*

Buck had only been back at the station for a week. And for every shift he had been man behind for the entirety of each shift. On ‘light’ duties. _Scutwork_. Though at least he was getting to put his culinary skills to good use, even if he always ended up eating on his own. Apart from the occasional brief interaction with Hen and/or Chim, everyone else was pretty much giving Buck a wide berth. 

But Buck was trying.

And he was trying to not let it get to him. At least on the surface level. To be perfectly honest he wasn’t entirely certain of how well he was succeeding on that front. Underneath he was cataloguing every interaction and non-interaction and analysing each one almost until the point of insanity. 

But Bobby would have to take him off the bench eventually. Right? _Surely_ he wouldn’t have invited Buck to the rage room if he didn’t plan on reintegrating him with the team. Right? When Bobby had said he might regret being back at the 118, Buck hadn’t been sure how serious he’d meant that to be.

He thought he was starting to get a clearer picture.

But being ignored by his co-workers, the ones he normally didn’t have all that much interaction with in the first place, it smarted a little, because Buck still liked to keep up with everyone no matter how often they spoke. But Buck could deal with that. Mostly.

The worst thing, the thing that hurt him the most, was the ~~cold~~ sub-zero shoulder he was getting from Eddie.

 _That_ , he was really struggling with.

And even though Eddie refused to make eye contact with him again that morning on his way to the locker room, completely ignoring his _Morning, Eddie_ , Buck didn’t want to stop trying with him either. He didn’t want to believe that the damage between them was irreparable.

So, when Eddie came back out into the bay, Buck had taken a deep cleansing breath, taking a few steps in his direction, while still maintaining what he considered to be a somewhat reasonable distance to leave between two people who no longer shared a personal bubble. 

“How’s Christopher doing?”

“Like you care.”

Buck closed his eyes, taking another _calming_ breath, which really wasn’t all that calming at all, the tiniest slither of impatience creeping into his tone, “I’m asking, aren’t I?”

“Too little, too late.”

Buck was able to keep himself from sighing this time, the frustration coursing through him, bursting through the surface, even as his chest tightened, “What do I have to do to prove to you how sorry I am?”

Eddie let out a dry hollow twisted huff of laugh, “When are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours that there is _nothing_ you can do? Huh? You betrayed us. You betrayed _me_. What makes you think I should forgive you? Hmm? Why is it that you can’t just accept it, let it go and move on?”

Buck blinked back burning hot tears, pinching the bridge of his nose in a vain attempt to stop them as he turned away. He couldn’t hear this. He couldn’t afford to have an emotional meltdown in front of the entire station. But apparently Eddie wasn’t done with him. 

“No,” Eddie grabbed his wrist and Buck let him, he didn’t have the energy left to pull away, no matter how much his every molecule was screaming at him to get the fuck out of there.

“You don’t get to walk away. You wanted this conversation. Let’s have it. I wanna know why. Tell me why you’re always so damn desperate for everyone’s approval? Huh? C’mon, Buckley,” Eddie tugged hard, forcing Buck back around to face him, and he let go when he did, “Tell me why?”

Buck kept his eyes on the floor, lips pressed tight shut, trying to keep his jaw from quivering, unable to keep the tears from rolling down his face.

“Tell me.”

Buck flinched.

“Eddie, that’s _enough_ ,” Hen scolded, but Eddie just ignored her.

“ _Tell me_.”

And Buck finally snapped, “Because my parents never loved me! Okay?” he practically yelled, “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m so pathetically worthless and _exhausting_ that not even my own parents could find it in themselves to care whether I live or die? Not like any of you would, right?”

“Buck−” Hen tried, almost pleaded.

Buck cut her off, “No,” he shook his head, tears coming to an abrupt stop, “It’s okay. I know what I have to do now.”

\--

Buck had sounded oddly calm then. 

Detached.

It made Eddie feel like the bottom of his gut had dropped out.

Buck’s face unreadable as he turned and started walking and he didn’t turn back. Not even when Hen and Chim called after him. He just walked right out the bay. 

“Eddie−” Hen started at the same time as Chimney said, “What the fuck, man?” both of them sounding equally pissed.

“Diaz,” Bobby barked, “My office. Now,” the Captain sighed as Buck’s jeep pulled out onto the road, “Someone try and call him back.”

Hen had pulled her phone out first. A chill running through the air when they heard a phone start ringing from inside the bay. Buck’s phone was sitting right there on the back of the rig. 

He’d left it behind.

Why would Buck leave his phone behind?

Everyone stood, frozen, as it continued to ring out, every ring shriller than the last, until Hen remembered to hang up.

Of course, the second it stopped that was when an emergency call came in.

“Diaz. You’re man behind,” Buck’s phone was slapped into his chest by Eddie wasn’t even sure who, “We’ll talk when we get back,” Bobby said, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly before the stoic façade slipped back into place.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Let’s move out.”

Eddie just stood there, his hand pressed to the phone, eyes somewhere in the middle distance as his team left. Slowly he brought the device down to his side. And he let his teeth sink into his lip when he finally pulled the phone up to look at it, his thumb hitting the home button. The smiling faces of Christopher, Buck and himself staring up at him from the lock screen.

It was from the last time the three of them had gone to the zoo together.

Buck hadn’t changed it.

A solitary tear streaked down his cheek.

He didn’t need a dressing down from Bobby to know that he’d taken it too far. 

No matter how much he deserved it. 

Eddie didn’t know why he couldn’t let the anger go. Why he kept lashing out and pushing Buck further away when all he really wanted to do was to pull him close and never let go ever again. 

He wanted his best friend back. He did. _Dios_ that was why he’d been so pissed in the first place because apparently he’d forgotten how to function without him.

He _needed_ him. 

In his heart he knew that, but his mouth just kept getting away from him, like it was determined to tear down every good thing he had ever carved out for himself to keep him miserable.

 _Fuck_.

Eddie didn’t know what he was going to do if he had to be left alone with his thoughts all day.

Luckily for him he didn’t have to find out, the first call hadn’t been a long one. As soon as the others returned, Eddie headed straight for Bobby’s office. 

He took hold of the back of one of the chairs sitting in front of Bobby’s desk as he waited, only pushing off when Bobby entered closing the door behind him.

Bobby scrubbed his hand down his face, “I don't know what that was earlier, but _this_ ,” he said with a roll of his arm, finger pointed, “ends _now_. You are going to talk this out with him, and you're going to have to listen to what he has to say. You can't keep going like this. And what's more, I won't allow it. This has gone far enough.”

Eddie just nodded along, unable to look Bobby in the eye.

“Now I'm going to have to suspend you,” that got his attention, and he lifted his gaze to meet his Captain’s, Bobby held up a hand, “but since Buck walked out, I'm going to need you to finish out your shift today. I can't get cover for you both.”

And Bobby just looked at him, expecting him to say something, but what could he say? He didn’t know that there was anything he could say for himself. What he’d said, what he’d done, was unforgiveable. And Bobby was frowning at him now.

“Eddie, I know I haven't been leading a good example here, but if you two can't work this out−”

“We'll work it out, Cap,” Eddie said with an assuredness that he didn’t have any rights to. He didn’t even know where it came from, and it reeked of desperation, because Eddie wanted to make this right. He knew he had to make this right.

“Can you do it without tearing his throat out?” 

“Cap−”

“Eddie, what's really going on?”

“I just, I want to forgive him, I do, and I know I'm not guilt-free here either, but every time, I don't know, I just get _so_ angry, and I don't even fully know why.”

“Well, you better figure it out. And you better figure it out fast.”

“How long am I suspended for?”

“One week.”

\--

Bobby made an example of him. Gathered everyone up, told them that it was over, that what had gone down that morning was to never happen again, that from here on out, if anyone wanted to mistreat Firefighter Buckley, that they could join Eddie in his suspension. Bobby had used more words than that. There was a whole speech. Most eyes stayed on Eddie for the majority of it. Eddie could feel them, but he’d just picked a spot, eyes cast downward, head slightly bowed in contrition, and kept his eyes there. 

He’d accepted his punishment and wanted no one in doubt that he knew he deserved it. No matter what was between them right now, he should never have treated Buck that way.

Eddie had never felt more relieved when their second call came in. In fact, their calls came in pretty much back-to-back all day. Which suited Eddie just fine. Less time for him to bear witness to all the chit chat and speculation about him and Buck. 

Didn’t stop him from overhearing the B-team at lunch.

“Damn though, always knew Diaz was a stone cold killer. Remind me never to get on his bad side. I mean if that’s the way he talks to his _boyfriend_ …?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” he’d grumbled to himself.

“Then why do you keep on acting like a spurned lover?” Hen cocked an eyebrow at him, she was still pissed at him, but she was nothing if not professional out in the field. Hadn’t said a word to him since that morning, not until now.

“That’s not−. I’m not−”

Was that how he’d been acting?

But Eddie didn’t really get a chance to think about that, because the alarm went off again.

When they finally got back a couple of hours later, that’s when Maddie had shown up, “Where the hell is Buck? He hasn’t responded to any of my calls or texts all day.”

Chimney swallowed hard, and then took a deep breath, “He left his phone.”

“He _left_ his phone? What do you mean he _left_ his phone? Where is he?” worry seeping into her tone and everyone else had seemed to find a lot of interest in their shoes all of a sudden.

“Someone _tell me_ what’s going on,” Maddie demanded, looking between the three of them, her eyes settling on Eddie when Hen sent a glare in his direction.

Eddie cleared his throat, “He left.”

“Buck wouldn’t just leave...what did you say to him?”

Hen held up her hands, “It’s not so much what Eddie said, though _that_ was _colourful_ , but what he made Buck say.”

Maddie crossed her arms over her chest. And Eddie knew it would be a mistake to make her repeat her question.

“I was a dick, okay. I played on his insecurities, and I pushed too far.”

Maddie looked two seconds away from slapping him. And if someone had told her exactly how the exchange went down, he’s pretty sure she would have. But Eddie was saved again.

This time by Carla.

“ _Carla_? What are you doing here? Where's Chris?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing, because I know you didn't send me to that school when you already made other arrangements. And I might have believed that to be the case. But imagine my surprise when I find out that Chris was signed out of school just before lunch time today by our very own Buckaroo.”

“What!?”

“Mmhmm. Told the school there was a family emergency.”

_He did what?_

But before Eddie could spiral any further his phone started to ring and if it had been anyone else, he might have just dismissed it, “ _Abuela_?”

"Eddito, I have Christopher."

Eddie let out a breath he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding, relief flooding his system.

“Buck dropped him off about a half hour ago, but...”

She trailed off and it was then that Eddie heard what was unmistakably his son crying his eyes out in the background.

“Abuela?” he said with a lot more urgency, “What's wrong?”

"The way Buck said goodbye...Such finality."

Christopher’s sobs seemed to get closer to the phone then, his voice cracking on every other word as he spoke, "Dad-dy y-you ha-have t-to find him. You ha-have t-to bring Bu-Buck back. I-I th-think he's going t-to ki-kill himself."

Eddie’s blood ran cold, "What makes you say that, Buddy?"

"H-he si-said that he would al-always love meh-me forever but i-it was t-time for him t-to leave and th-that he wasn't allowed t-to see me anymore because he'd done suh-something wrong so he had to go away for good."

\--

Earlier that day.

Christopher had been worried when he was pulled out of class, and a little bit annoyed at the thought of missing out on lunchtime. But he'd been told his dad was there to pick him up. So, it couldn't be that bad if it was Dad. But it wasn't Dad, it was, "Bucky."

He was half excited at seeing the best person in the world but also confused, a little of that worry creeping back in. But Buck had winked at him. And that meant they were about to share a secret. That Christopher needed to play along, like when they pulled a joke on Dad.

Buck had picked him up, pulled him into a tight hug, "Everything's going to be okay, Buddy."

The school administrator was still watching them.

Buck set him back down.

"Buck, is something wrong with Daddy?"

"Not in here, Bud, we should get going," Buck thanked the woman who had brought Chris to him and the two of them left the building.

Chris didn't ask anything else until Buck had him fastened in his seat, "Is Dad really okay, Buck?"

"Of course, Chris. Your Dad is great."

"But aren't you supposed to be working with him today?"

"Nah. I decided that today I should be with the number one Diaz. Ain't nobody better than you, kid."

And when Buck looked at him like that it was easy to believe him, made Christopher grin from ear to ear, "Where are we going?"

Buck took him out for lunch. When they'd gotten out of the jeep, they'd shared a proper longer hug, Buck spinning him around the way he always loved. 

Buck let him order whatever he wanted, so he got pancakes. They weren't as good as Buck's pancakes. But since Buck hadn't been around, he'd mostly been having boring cereal for breakfast. Buck let him have half of his burger and fries too. And they'd had shakes.

Then Buck had taken him to the park, they'd walked and played, Buck giving him his undivided attention, he let Christopher take the lead, even in their conversations, though that wasn’t really any different from normal. Buck had to be the best listener in the world. 

Chris didn't ask Buck why he hadn't seen him in so long. Whenever he asked his Dad about it, he always got agitated, Dad tried to pretend he didn’t, but Christopher could see. And he wasn’t buying any of his Dad’s excuses that Buck was too busy. Buck was never too busy for _his Diaz boys_. Christopher had heard him say it too many times to count. Dad and Buck had obviously gotten into a dumb adult argument about something and now they were both being stubborn. 

And even though Chris knew he was more likely to get some info out of Buck, he didn’t want to ruin their fun. 

It’d been the best day Christopher had had in a while, that was until they got to his Bisabuela’s and Buck had turned down her invitation to come inside. 

He shook his head, “I’d better get going. Thank you, though, Isabel, for always making me feel so welcome here,” he pressed a kiss to her cheek, and Christopher knew that Bisabuela knew that something was wrong too, because she didn’t even scold Buck for not calling her _Abuela_ , “You should call, Eddie. Let him know that Chris is with you."

Buck crouched down to Christopher’s level, opening his arms wide, “C’mere, kid,” and Christopher wrapped his arms around Buck as tight as he could as Buck pulled him in close, “I love you, Chris. I’ll _always_ love you, forever. No matter what happens, I need you to know that that will always be true. You’re the best human I know,” and he gave him one last extra squeeze, “Goodbye, Christopher.”

That had stunned Christopher into silence. Buck had said _Goodbye_. Not _Catch you later, Buddy_ or _See you around, Superman_. 

Buck had said _Goodbye_ and it didn’t sound like he was planning on coming back.

Buck had turned to leave, already halfway back to his jeep before Christopher could make his voice work again, “Buck!” he called after him, “Stay! You have to st-stay.”

Christopher’s bottom lip wibbled as he watched Buck turn back around a sad half-smile on his face, “Would that I could, Superman. Believe me. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

“Then stay.”

Buck shook his head, tears in his eyes, “I won’t be allowed to see you anymore. I did something. And it was the wrong thing to do, but I had to do it anyway, even if it wasn’t worth it in the end. Even if it ruined the _one_ good thing−” Buck shook his head, his mouth twitching when he tried to smile, “Well, I can’t take it back. It’s done now. So, I have to go.”

“Go where?”

"Think of it like a permanent vacation."

"Vay-vacations are s'posed to make you happy."

"Aw, Buddy, I could never be happy without you. That's why I have to go. I have nothing left to swim for. You be good for your Dad, okay?"

Buck gave him one last wobbly smile before making the last few steps to his jeep, and this time he kept his back turned.

“ _Buck_!”


End file.
